Random doses of bile from yours truly.
On the L.A. Times website, they had a ticking little clock indicating how much money Shaquille O'Neal (known as 'shaq' to our nation of vicarious thrillseekers) is 'losing' because of the NBA lockout. I pinched a little table from the page:

SHAQ'S NOT MAKING

$1.03    a second
$61.80    a minute
$3,708    an hour
$88,982   a day

 
That's horrible. If this holds up, in less than twenty years, the poor bastard will have to stop talking about himself so much, learn to read, and get a job. You know, with work, and pay, and a boss. Like many of us did, when we were around EIGHTEEN. I put the L.A. Times table in a different perspective: Every halfwit sports fan dreams about EARNING that much money, but what would it be like to be able to SPEND that kind of dough? Would you run out and buy Shaq?

BETTER THINGS TO BUY THAN AN ATHLETE

Feed a third-world orphan for a WEEK   every second
Romantic Dinner with Your Wife   every minute
Two 'Habitats for Humanity'   every hour
New instruments for a large high school band   every day

 
Didn't pro athletes learn anything from the baseball strike? Sports 'stars' are only as important as the ads that they convince us to watch. When you get a little too full of yourselves, our corporate rulers will show you the same bottom-line brutality that the rest of us get every day. You'll be replaced! Unfortunately for us, they'll be replaced with even worse role-models (if that's possible). 

 
15 Jan 1999- The impeachment is rolling along, with a spin-storm coming out of every pundit and politico in the country.  I've only seen the prosecution's case so far, but I must say, it's a HELL of a case in the eyes of this layman. I watched the first two days in their entirety, and I'm utterly convined of several points-
  • Bill Clinton perjured himself on several occasions
  • Bill Clinton tampered with a witness in a civil trial against him
  • Bill Clinton lied to the world about his misbehavior, and continues to do so
  • Prejury is unequivocally an impeachable offense
  • Obstruction of justice is unequivocally an impeachable offense
  • Bill Clinton is a scumbag, and he's gonna get impeached
  • This process embarrasses the US in the eyes of the world
  • The only reason we're at this point, is because Bill Clinton has no integrity
I am anxious to see the defense present their case, although I don't expect much from them except some hyperbolae.  I'd actually be really happy if the defense convinced me that Bill Clinton is fit to be President.  I could stop being disappointed and embarrassed.

 
15 Jan 1999- Detroit is buried under up to 17" of snow.  Public Works stopped removing snow, because the annual 'snow-removal budget' is already used up (let me remind you that it's January). The greatest concern is that much of the city has gone without mail service for nearly two weeks.  Detroit's Postmaster managed to get himself on TV today, issuing a new emergency policy-
  • Shovel the snow off your driveway
  • A mail truck will come up, and honk continuously for 60 seconds
  • If you come out, you get your mail
What a man to have when things get rough!  A DOER!  But, if I shovel my driveway, who's gonna shovel the street?  And if the damned truck can get into my driveway, why can't the mail carrier put the mail in my mailbox?  And I really don't want a fucking mail truck to come down my street and honk for a minute at a time in every driveway.  What forces have resulted in this idiot having a job?  And if I have a job, who is going to be home, to greet the honking mail truck in my driveway? Fuck. If anything will ease the frustration of being snowed in, it's a truck honking for a minute at a time at every house down my street.
20 Jan 1999- I thought about making a page citing tv news stories that were idiotic, irrelevant, or press-release stories. It was immediately apparent, after watching an hour of news, that EVERY tv news story falls into this category. If you want a list of today's idiotic, irrelevant, press-release stories, just watch your local news.

21 Jan 1999- Yet ANOTHER "No Joke- PLEASE READ" email.  I'm new to the internet (a 'newbie', as the veterans say), and I've gotten six of these in the past year. It goes like this-
you get an email from a friend of a friend of a friend, who got this email from WALT DISNEY! Disney is working with MICROSOFT to test this email tracking software.  All you have to do is forward the message to fifteen people you know. When the recipient count reaches *X* (usually 5-20k, depending on prank version), EVERYBODY WINS! Everybody gets a trip to Disneyland! Wheeeeeeeeeee!
OK, I have a LOT of _issues_ with this.

  1. What exactly is Disney getting out of this beta-test of Micorsoft's software? I'll ignore for now the fact that the WHOLE WORLD is Microsoft's beta platform.
  2. Do you really think Disney is going to give you a trip to their park, for forwarding email? Do the math, caveman. Disney has more than *X* people on their payroll! If they wanted *X* emails to be sent out for any reason, they could just get *X* of THEIR OWN PEOPLE to send 'em out. Dumbass.
  3. The thought of Disney AND Micrsoft doing anything together scares the shit out of me, and I categorically refuse to participate voluntarily. This team-up can only provoke 2 sensible reactions- "I don't belive it" or "I believe it and I'm terrified".
  4. So, even if you buy into the surface premise, wouldn't it bother you a little to get your email traced my Microsoft?  What is this really for? Privacy is hard enough to come by these days. I mean, if they could trace THIS email, couldn't they trace ANY email? The implications are beyond Orwellian.
  5. Microsoft and Disney, the two king-giant shit-hawking master marketeers, corporate whores incarnate, want to know who your 15 closest online friends are.  This could be really handy if, say, someone wanted to find you, or one of your 15 friends, or the guy who sent the message to you. Someone, you know, like the fucking federal government, who is going to squeeze a HUGE chunk of change out of Bill Gates sometime soon.... what a clever bargaining chip. 
  6. "Well," says Bill, to the Supreme Court, "I know the fine is for 1.2 BILLION dollars, but I've got something you might find interesting...yeah, it's a database of 20,000,000 people and their 15 closest friends' email addresses, all cross-indexed and sorted 45 ways to Sunday. I call it WINDOWS 1984. Type in a name, and get back 300 people who know him, or someone who DOES know him..."  I can't sleep tonight, after just writing that out. Where's my Percodan?

March 2000- I wrote this after doing two weeks of 12-hour nights at Charity Hospital Emergency Room in New Orleans, a very busy and very unsavory ER. It was also Mardi Gras week, making the ER even busier & more unsavory.


I'm a zombie. I literally can't get out two full sentences w/o pausing to remember what I was saying. Tonight will be the last 12hr shift in the ER, then I'm free to act like an idiot for three days. Important things:

  1. I've sutured the foreheads of several people arrested for public drunkenness, who 'resisted arrest' and were injured during the arrest. If you ever have the misfortune to be arrested by an NOPD officer, call him SIR no matter what else is happening. Do not argue or do anything the cop don't like, or you'll have the same 2-inch baton scar across yer brow line that all these saps are gonna have. They must have a training-dummy at the academy with a target just to the left of center on its forehead.
  2. They call it falling-down-drunk because you fall down. Good chance you will lose a tooth or two during the process, or maybe treat yourself to a skull fracture or a broken ankle. Seen plenty of each.
  3. Loud, bleeding, drunk people all look the same to cops & doctors & everybody else. If you've lost this much control of yourself, no one will give a fuck if you're a nobel laureate or a babykiller. You're just a different flavor of human shit. Your name is 'drunk-ass chin lac' or 'obnoxious motherfucker broken nose' until you re-establish your ability to function among other people. If my passion for the nectar were weaker, this last week would have made me into a teetotaller. Fortunately, that has not been the case.
  4. For the first time ever in my life, I feel sorry for cops. At least in New Orleans, during Mardi Gras. Every shitgargling retard on earth comes here thinking they can just do whatever they want, and the underlying assumption is that cops don't care enough to arrest you. Meanwhile the cops are scrambling, mopping up the human detritus who flew in hellbent on wrecking themselves and New Orleans.
  5. Tourists are drawn, like flies to a turd, to the mystique behind this city of sin. They fail to realize there's nothing magical about NOLA that allows your body to tolerate more abuse. So here they come "woohoo! and i'm ganna drink a couple a them HURRUH-canes! and looka thet gorl's titties!" and next thing you know, see #3 above.

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